Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Divine Plan

The lumbar puncture I had last week seems to have left a permanent reminder of the event behind. Since the procedure, I have pain in my lower back and at times down my left leg. There are moments when the pain stops me dead in my tracks. I have called my doctor again, and still no return phone call. It was my hope that I could create this blog as a light of sorts, to those newly diagnosed with PTC; an informative guide with information about the disease and ways to deal with it. The problem is....I can't see the light anymore.

The methods by which they try to cure me seem to cause more pain. Today we celebrated my daughter's 9th birthday. I made her a cake, did some household chores and excitedly watched as she opened her gift. We bought her a Wii. Historically, I would jump right in and play along with my kids....instead, I lay on the couch watching from a distance until I eventually fell asleep in pain. Many times I hear those with chronic illness or cancer declare, "I will not let this disease define me." In my case, PTC has defined me. It defines everything I do. Whether or not I follow my plan for the day depends upon if I wake up in pain or not. I have few friendships because I can't do things that my friends do. I don't go shopping for fun, or hang out at the park with my friends. When I do have a good day...it doesn't last long. Within several hours after an outing, I'm left exhausted and in pain. Work for me is a distant dream, and I find myself jealous of my husband as he dresses up to go out to a meeting. Most days I am found in my sweatsuit or "stretchy pants" so I can rest comfortably. I am far from the woman I used to be.

My disappointment in myself carries over to my family. Often times I snap at them for not doing chores or for fighting with each other or for be disappointed in me. I do these things not because I am truly upset with my family, but rather because I can't do all the chores anymore, because I know that if I were more active with them they wouldn't fight with each other so much, and if I weren't ill they wouldn't be so disappointed by my many broken promises. My kids miss their mommy and my husband misses his wife. Moreover, I miss myself.

I keep reminding myself that "all things have a purpose under God". I'm certain there is a purpose for my current condition, I just hope I can figure it out. In the meantime, I recall the words of a song I used to sing often...

"When the weight of all my dreams is resting heavy on my head, and the thoughtful words of health and hope have all been nicely said...

Well, I'm still hurtin', wonderin' if I'll ever be the one I think I am....I think I am.

Then You gently re-remind me, that You made me from the first. And the more I try to be the best, the more I get the worst. And I realize the good in me, is only there because of who You are....Who You are.

And all I ever have to be is what you made me...Any more or less would be a step out of your plan, as You daily re-create me help me always keep in mind...that I only have to do what I can find...

And all I ever have to be....All I have to be.....All I ever have to be, Is what You made me."

So...for now....I just am. I do not understand my current state of pain and suffering, but am grateful for my family, grateful it's not worse....and still hopeful for God's plan for me.

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